i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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