You're completely useless in the revolution.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
