Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
