things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
