I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
ttyl tear gas
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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