How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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