Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
