why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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