Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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