If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm passing your future prison.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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