I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
