Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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