I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
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