i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
