you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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