Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
