I'm gonna have a badass scar
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize