Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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