I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
