did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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