two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
