Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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