If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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