you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
