I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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