Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
