this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
