Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
