he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
