Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
