I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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