At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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