The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
