I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
