Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
