she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
