I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
