is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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