Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
