I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
