oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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