I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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