you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
