hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
