I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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