I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
