I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
