I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
