i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Two words: blizzard sex
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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