saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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