wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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