why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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