Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
