she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
