You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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