I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
