You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
