A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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