do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
