And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
