I heard we made out
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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