i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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