My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
there was a trapeze. enough said
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
