I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
