So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
my liver is dry heaving
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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