Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
