hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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