Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
