she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
